Immature and Funny

Today was a bit of a downer for me. I've been working for almost a year at a new job. During that time, I made some interesting friends, a few of which you will soon come to know. What made today sad was that it was my best friend Flora's last day there. She's following a dream and will be hopping on a plane early in the morning to fly to New York. There she'll become an obscenely rich and famous fashion designer (but in the meantime she'll feed herself and her cats by writing copy). If you know Flora, you know that there's just no one like her anywhere. She has a knack for distilling the bizarre humor out of the mundane details of office life. One of her disciplines was to keep a collection of off-beat quotes that she'd hear at the office. Since I've been there, it's been (for the most part) me, Flora, Jeff and Bryan observing each other and the usual gamut of office goings-on. Before she left, she passed the book to me and I'll try to keep adding to it.



So in homage to Flora, who sees so many things as both "immature and funny", here are several of the quotes she collected:




Food Fight
“Hey, why does this asparagus look like Super Mario?”
-Flora

“Who would want to just put this on their lips? I want to eat it!”
-Joe (talking about Chapstick)

"I'm either having a cake-baby or a bulky moment."
-Angela

“You’ve got the donuts and I’ve got the holes!”
-Kristi

“Screw you guys and your Indian food!”
-Chris

“It’s hot dog o’clock.”
-Bryan as Harry Carey

“Those aren’t bananas, but thanks anyway Mortimer.”
-Flora

“I just got out of a meeting and I need a banana to relax.”
-Jeff

“That’s the world’s rudest banana.”
-Flora

“Let me tell you, I have contributed plenty to the banana cause.”
-Angela

“You know who I hate? Sanctimonious vegans!”
-Flora

“Jeff is the spice in the SEO stew.”
-Shayne

“I don’t need 4 beers to be 25% queer.”
-Bryan

“Hey this is really nasty – make Bryan drink it”
-Jeff

“I’m sitting between the vomiters.”
-Flora


Body of Knowledge
“I’m pumped like a super soaker.”
-Bryan

“I don’t want to mingle my fluids.”
-Bryan

“So I’m thinking that it fell into your black hole.”
-Melissa (to Phil)

“Oh God, I have a song in my heart and it wants to come out.”
-Flora
“That’s just gas.”
-Angela

“Potty time is private time.”
-Jeff

“You should see my ear holes – wow!”
-Kristi

“Your heart’s going to explode and mutant bacteria are going to eat it.”
-Flora (to Jeff)


Huh?
“Yeah ok, you suck it and have a nice day.”
-Flora (on the phone to her editor)

“Where the hell is my sasquatch?”
-Melissa

“I don’t exactly get transvestites, undead Meatloaf and a Golden Boy who’s literally golden.”
-Jeff

“That was immature AND funny!”
-Flora

“You can get up off your caffeinated ass and do it yourself.”
-Angela

“You have to put it in the dark and squeeze it.”
-Melissa

“We are stupid with anticipation.”
-Angela

“I’m just locked up in my hole.”
-Gina

“The only good thing about this place is the smell emanating from you.”
-Flora (to Angela)

“Robots love to rape the Internet.”
-Jeff

“Okay, I’m missing two balls…”
-Angela
“I’ll say!”
-Flora

“I picked a bad day to stop sniffing glue.”
-Phil, on several occasions

“I thought they were going to shave you like a llama.”
-Ronnie

Fairest Flora, sweetie dahling, you will be sorely missed.